Journal of John Carter
by Hawkeyefan
Summary: Its just a journal carter wrote around the year 2000


Dear Journal Today is Feb. 15 2000  
  
Last night was the most horrible night I had ever had, Let me start with the details.   
  
I came to work on valentines day in a good mood. But then I helped Abby a third year med. student with her patient. That patient remembered me. Well then later Lucy, now my fourth year resident, was bugging me. I went and told her she couldn't stay with the pschye guy I wanted her to do a leg lac. Instead she stayed with the patient. Later Abby's patient died. I remember going up to the roof and talking to her and tell her it is not easy and never does get easy.   
  
When we got back down stairs the ER was in full swing mood for a party. I noticed then that Lucy hadn't done the patient I asked her too. When I went to exam room three I opened up the door, it was dark in there. I saw the valentine card that was Lucys and picked it up. When I stood up something or someone grabbed my shoulder and all of sudden I felt pain. I put my hand to my back and there was blood. The realization of didn't come until I saw the blood. I then held grab of a tray. Then I called out for somebody and then crashed to the floor. I tried getting up but I couldn't and then across the floor I saw with horror Lucy on the floor.   
  
She was paler than normal and I saw all the blood. She was conciousness for a few more minutes and then lost out to the blackness. I did to succumb to that nature. I don't remember anything after that.   
  
But then later I woke up in a trauma room, Deb Chen looking at me with concerned eyes. I remember her saying my foley output was bright red. Which then I knew was bad. She went to grab my former teacher Peter Benton. Dr. Benton told them that they need to get me up to the OR. I was getting told to stay awake. I asked Benton how bad my injuries were. He said pretty bad. I lost alot blood last night.   
  
Then in recovery I knew that something had happened to Lucy. She was dead and it was all my fault. I will never get to tell Lucy she was one of my best students.   
  
Today My gamma gave me my journal so i could write in you. To tell you how I feel. I was also finally getting to walk around the hospital. Thats it for now.   
  
John C.  
  
Dear Journal A week later.  
  
Well today I got a visit from Deb Chen. She was telling me she was doing chart reviews for me and Lucy. Then I told her I had a lot of vistors these past couple of days. Then I had a walk with my physical therapists. Thats when I met Lucy mother Barbra.   
  
I felt so bad for her she was all alone now and having her only daughter died. She asked me how it felt when the man had stabbed me. I told her I didn't feel a thing. I felt bad for lying to her. It did hurt to have a six inch knife attack you in the gut.  
  
Then later Dr. Benton and I visited he had a strolled down the hall talking about his date with Cleo. Then I had a hard time getting into my room, but he helped me back into my room.   
  
Then later Carol came by and said hi, we chatted for a while and talked about her twins and how things were going. Then now Im writing in you.  
  
John  
  
Dear Journal A few weeks later.  
  
Today was my first day back to work since my accident, Im on crutches now. I had my first trauma with an overdoes victim. I had a hard time bending down. I guess my back hurts when i bend. Then later I was doing chart reviews and Dr. Benton said goodnight.   
  
Then we had another trauma where a pshye patient had jumped. I was slower in that trauma. After the trauma Kerry came to talk to me to see how i was doing I told her I was fine and I told her I was seeing someone about what had happened.   
  
Later I went and saw my gamma. She told me I was looking well. I told her I had started work today. She asked me if it was too soon. I didn't even know what to say. Then she asked me what it felt like. I told her I was a little afraid.   
  
John  
  
Dear journal  
  
Its been awhile since i wrote in you. Well today was awful. All I did was do the same things I did with Lucy and I started having flash backs to my attack. When I was holding a butcher knife at my gammas thats when the flash backs started. Even Luka had to get my attention. Then Dr. Deread talk to me. He said it was more of attack then an accident. I told him i was fine. I talked to Paul Sobrikis wife to see how he was doing. I think I'm crazy for going to see my attackers wife. Well thats it for now.   
  
John  
  
Dear Journal a few weeks later  
  
I think I messed up. I used to be a good doctor. I almost killed a patient today. I went into the mens bathroom and cried and cried. I can't do anything right anymore. Its all my fault. I don't know what to do anymore. Deb Chen I know she knows what I done. Kerry was on the warpath again. People told me I looked like hell. Well I knew I did. People also told me Carol left today to meet with Doug. Thats all.  
  
John  
  
Dear Journal May 18th  
  
Look what I done to myself now. I got caught and its my fault. I had inserted fentaynol into my wrist and Abby had found me doing it. I had done this after we were done with one patient. I had got punted across the trauma room. My back had hurted like hell. Then later Mark and Kerry had asked if I was misusing my pain killers. I had yelled at Abby for telling them. I feel guilty for that. Then Mark had talked to me. He knew I was misusing drugs. Then there was the confrontation. Deb Chen, Kerry Weaver, Mark Greene, Dr. Anspaugh and Peter Benton had confronted me that I had a drug problem. I had gone completely mad at them and blew my anger on Deb. I feel bad that I did that. But then I had a choice to go to Alanta and get into the detox program for doctors or get fired. I decided to quit. But then Benton put everything into perspective for me. He had told do i want to end up like my cousin Chase. Thats when i realized I was a drug addict and a problem. I know I punched him hard. I didn't mean too. Everything had gone wrong in my life this year. Lucy and everything. Lucy will never get to be a doctor liked she hoped. On the plane there was silence between me and Benton. We landed and got to the rehab center and got me admitted and thats the last time I saw Peter Benton.   
  
John 


End file.
